Gen Y Speaks: I wanted to leave the nest by age 30 to be independent — but by staying home, I ended up gaining much more

I studied in the United Kingdom for three years in my early 20s.
As a law student living by myself in a quaint, well-located apartment in the heart of the city of Liverpool, I enjoyed my independence and the fact that I no longer needed to depend on my parents. 
It was my idea of an ideal life. So, after I returned to Singapore in 2016, I set myself a target: By age 30, I will move out of my parents’ home and either rent a place on my own or if I were able to afford it, buy a condominium. 
For the next few years, I strived to work as hard as I could to become a successful lawyer so that I could achieve my dream. 
I completed two six-month stints at a boutique criminal and commercial dispute resolution law firm in Singapore to fulfil the on-the-job training requirements to get admitted to the Singapore Bar. 
After being called to the Bar in 2020, I joined a small law firm as a legal executive. A month later, I was promoted to associate and stayed in this role for two months.
Throughout my three months in the firm, I worked past midnight on most days, going home for only a few hours of sleep before heading back to the office by 9am. I was also expected to work on weekends.
As a result, my mental health was in shambles. I was constantly falling ill, and I would get sudden panic attacks. 
It was unbearable.
I decided to resign. However, I was still determined to achieve my goal of living independently. 
Thinking I should develop other skills that could potentially help me progress in my legal career, I took part in a six-month traineeship in 2021 under the SGUnited Traineeship scheme with Boston Consulting Group (DigitalBCG Academy) to learn digital sales and marketing.
I turned 30 in December 2021, when Singapore was still under tight Covid-19 pandemic restrictions. 
Apart from the disappointment of not being able to celebrate my “big 3-0”, several other issues dampened my mood. 
First, I was jobless and secondly, the skyrocketing rental costs driven by the pandemic and the significant jump in prices of private homes in 2021 weighed heavily on my mind because they dashed my hopes of moving out of my parents’ place. 
I was distraught but told myself to make the best out of my situation. 
At the start of 2022, I stepped back into the legal sector and got a job as an executive at the Law Society of Singapore. 
I was permitted to work remotely and spent most of my time at home.
At first, it was tough. I still harboured the desire to get my own place and would occasionally look up rooms for rent on websites like PropertyGuru and Ohmyhome, hoping that I would stumble on a place that was reasonably priced and had all the qualities that I was looking for. 
This never happened. The harsh reality crushed my spirits and I felt like my dream had been taken away from me. I felt like a failure.
One Saturday evening in December 2022, my mother approached me to say she had been tasked with co-authoring a cookbook. She wanted me to help her proofread the manuscript for spelling and grammatical errors. 
Her request baffled me. 
How and why did she get involved in such a project? What exactly was this cookbook about? 
My mother explained that the Peranakan Indian (Chitty Melaka) Association of Singapore (Picma), a non-profit organisation she was volunteering for, was publishing a heritage cookbook and needed help. 
She thought that it would be a good opportunity for me to get involved. 
I was reluctant to help at first because I was busy with my new job, but I eventually agreed seeing how passionate she was about the project.
Reading the manuscript, entitled Heritage Food of the Peranakan Indians: In a Chitty Melaka Kitchen, I was impressed by the quality and detail of it. 
From a young age, I always knew that I was Peranakan Indian on my mother’s side and that the community has its own unique culture with Chinese, Malay, and Indian influences. The cuisine reflects that diversity. 
I used to savour the flavours of Chitty Melakan cuisine when my late maternal grandmother prepared meals for festivals such as Deepavali and Parachu. 
I thoroughly enjoyed the delicious food such as ayam buah keluak, lauk ikan pindang and pulut tekan as a child. 
However, I had never before come across a cookbook that recorded all the dishes of my community — so seeing the manuscript filled my heart with joy. 
In March last year, I decided to resign from my job and devote myself fully to helping my mother make the publication of the manuscript a reality.
I felt that pursuing money and a career in legal practice was no longer my purpose and I wanted to do something that was more meaningful and fulfilling.
I started giving private tuition to earn some income while still having a flexible schedule to work on the cookbook project. 
Although I was still living in my parents’ home, I no longer felt the strong desire to move out. 
I became drawn to my culture and heritage because of the cookbook, and I wanted to contribute in every way I could to preserve the cuisine of my community for the benefit of future generations. 
Living under the same roof made it possible for my mother and I to have daily discussions on how to improve the cookbook and get the project moving forward. 
From our conversations, I learnt that the cookbook was not merely meant to showcase the recipes of the Chitty Melakan community. It held a meaning far greater than what I had imagined. 
The cookbook echoed the voices of the ancestors of anyone who is of Chitty Melakan descent — voices which had gone unnoticed for centuries. 
No one knew who they were. They did not speak up to make themselves heard because many of them were limited by their lack of formal education which prevented them from doing so. 
Furthermore, they were constantly overshadowed by the more prominent, influential, and wealthy Baba Nonya (Peranakan Chinese) community. 
I realised that the cookbook was a platform for the community to project ourselves and share with everyone the rich and diverse cuisine, culture, and heritage of our community. It symbolised a revival of Peranakan Indian culture which my mother is very proud of. Having such conversations with my mother would have been more challenging if I had moved out.

After months of painstaking rounds of discussions with fellow volunteers working on the project, proofreading, and editing, the 200-page cookbook was officially launched on Nov 19 last year. 
The launch was well-attended and well-received by members of both the Peranakan Indian community and other communities who were interested in learning about the culture, heritage, and cuisine of the Peranakan Indians.
Having the privilege of working on the cookbook has given my life more meaning and instilled in me a sense of pride and satisfaction. 
I was motivated to keep going knowing that I was not just doing this for myself, but also to help preserve the rich and diverse culture and heritage of my community which dates back to the 15th century. 
The magnitude of the task spurred me to look past my failures, let go of the past and focus on what truly mattered in life.
Living on one’s own and gaining independence might be the goal of many, and it was certainly one of my top priorities. 
But when things do not go our way and we do not get what we desire, we must learn to take a step back, reconnect with ourselves and be grateful for what we already have. 
Only then, will we be able to find a path forward.
Currently, I am still living in my parents’ home. I am a full-time tuition teacher and assisting my mother and Picma with publicity of the cookbook and getting it into stores in Singapore and hopefully in other countries too. 
My near-term goal is to sell the remaining stock of books from the first print run and subsequently, assist in executing a second print run of 2,000 copies.
As for getting my own place — well, I think it is safe to say that I will be staying put for the foreseeable future. 
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: 
K B Ryan Joshua Mahindapala, 32, is a lawyer turned writer and educator. He was a featured speaker at the Singapore Writers Festival 2023.